Why?

You were the only one.  Only one I've ever loved.  My best friend, my confidante, my everything.  I trusted you absolutely.  And believed your every whisper, every shout.  Of your love for me, of our life together, of our future.  That I was and will always be your one and only.

Then you took it all away.  Awash in lies and deception.  Even when you were repeating those words to me, it was nothing but a ruse to keep me unaware.

Why?  If you no longer wanted me, why didn't you just let me go. 
Why?  If you no longer loved me, why didn't you just tell me.
Why?  If you wanted to be free to be with someone else, why didn't you just walk away?

Now you tell me that you made a mistake.  Now you tell me that I did nothing wrong.  That it was all your screwed up logic.  You don't feel you deserve my forgiveness.  You don't feel you deserve me.  But I don't have a choice.  I can't let you go and it hurts to have you back.  Either way, it hurts.  You have broken me.

All the trust I had for you, you've trashed it.  You didn't care enough to be honest with me.  Why?  If you had felt even a little bit of love for me, don't you think I deserved at least the truth?  Why?  Why was I to find out, to have it blindside me.  Do you realize that moment shattered everything I believed in?

But I forgave you.  Because I can't seem to shake off that I do love you.  Maybe more than you love me.  But when you said that you were no longer in love with me, that you wanted to be with her, you broke my heart.  You shattered it so badly I don't know if I can ever get it put back together again. 

Then you came back.  You said you made a mistake.  That it was all a delusional escape that you finally broke free from.  And I took you back.  Because I love you even now.  But my heart is still shattered.  The wound you inflicted still bleeds.  Will you help me heal?

4-letter Words

LOVE.  HATE.  RAGE. LIFE. 
They are all 4-letter words.  They can be innocuous or bad, depending on the use.  Just like those other 4-letter words.  And then there is HOPE.  Yes, hope.  Probably the most important one in our lives. 

This week, I learned for the first time what it was to lose hope, and what a salvation it is to gain it back.  All in a matter of few days.  A short span of time that may otherwise have sauntered by without fanfare, just like any other few days.  I learned that hope holds for us so many keys.  And I learned that when hope is taken away, all the joys we revel in, all the plans made, all the memories accumulated - everything - loses it's lustre.  And I learned that when we are given a tiny, minuscule sliver of hope, it is the most wonderful gift that can ever be found in the universe.

It is with this tiny particle of hope that I will move forward and ever onward, only looking back to catalog all that I've encountered.  It is with this smallest bit of hope that I will once again be thankful for my life, in all it's glory as well as failures.  Because hope is showing me the keys to possibilities that are once again laid out before me.

I am...

I am a woman, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend.
I may not be beautiful but I hope that I am capable of seeing beauty and praise it when  deserved.
I may not be the smartest, but I am intelligent enough.
I am open-minded enough to accept differing opinions and varied notions.
I am soft-hearted enough to share in others' pain and rejoice in their happiness.
I am a woman, who once was a girl full of dreams and hopes.
I am a mother who revels in her children.
I am a wife who loves too much and maybe a bit too little.
I am a sister who can be there for her siblings, yet show tough love.
I am a daughter who is all grown yet acts a child.
I am a friend who will listen without judgment and give a lending hand.
I am all these. 
And I am one more.  A shameful, dark secret.
I am a statistic.

The way we used to be

We used to laugh
We used to cry
We used to talk about forever you and I
And love was all we seemed to need
I still recall sometimes
The way we used to be

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I recall the time when I used to believe.  We used to believe.  I knew in my heart that no matter what happens, whatever Life's challenges, I can face it with head held high and eyes wide open.  Now I'm just an automaton, moving thru each day just to survive one more day.

When this change occurred I do not know.  Maybe it just happened all of a sudden or the passing time had slowly chiseled away at my optimism and confidence over the years.  Who knows? I only know that at one point in my life, I went from a confident, generally optimistic fighter to a withdrawn, blubbering mess.  Oh, how fragile this ego. Was it bruised to badly that it cannot recover, or it just won't recover.

Sometimes I see my kids treading eggshells around me.  They don't realise it but I can tell.  I feel guilty.  Its not their fault yet they have to suffer along.  Sometimes I hug my baby and burst into tears.  She doesn't understand, but she gives me a hug and wipes my tears with her most precious bunny.  It breaks my heart.  They don't deserve a mother so weak.  What they do deserve is a happy home and loving parents.  They deserve more than this.  God help me...